You never know...

So what do you do after an accident such as mine?  You have lots of options; You can set around feeling sorry for yourself, you can give up or fight with the challenges and obstacles you face everyday.  I try not to feel sorry for my self,however, I have my days.  Anybody would. Theres not a day I dont have some sort of challenge.  I drop things, ALOT.  Very frustrating since I cant pick em up.  It could be something such as my phone or my drink. If my phone goes down, its just stuck and I have to remember not to drive over it.  If my drink is dropped hopefully the lid will keep it from going all over the place.  Ive found certain cups with spill proof lids and straws.  They usually dont spill too bad.
Those are challenges I just deal with.  The hard thing for me is being stuck in the house. I cant leave my house by myself because Im not able to shut the door behind me. So when its nice I cant even go for a walk. I can go out on the back porch to get some fresh air but thats not the same. Reading a book, easy right.  Well, I can barely turn the pages and then I can sometimes get the book marker on the right page. Sometimes pages stick or it goes back to the beginning w/out holding my spot. Very frustrating.
Eating, im lucky to be able to feed myself as long as I can eat it with a fork or spoon but im still messy.  I cant chow down on a burger, tacos, or other finger foods.  Luckily sometimes Troy will feed them to me.  I cant stand to be fed though so its only occasional.  I have learned to eat chips and salsa with a fork, its kind of impressive..lol...  I can hold my Subway subs but its pretty messy.  All eating is messy now. 
I can put my make up on now.  Well all but my eye liner.  Im gonna start practising it tho.  I think I could do it with practise.  Im so bad at procrastinating with things I know would make me fill better, I just take the easy way out. I can use the remote now!  But its a dropping hazard. When that drops it sucks because im stuck with whats on.  I can brush my own teeth thank goodness.  It is no fun having someone brushing them for you.

In the beginning there was nothing I could do because my arm wouldn't move.  They just kinda flopped around. Everything had to be done.  I couldn't even scratch my head. I had a trachea for 2 months and couldn't talk.  People learned to read my lips but thats frustrating because sometimes its hard to understand me. I have gone from my worse nightmare to a daze.  In November it will be 5 years, I think I've adjusted ok.  One thing thats hard is I cant dance anymore.  I was always dancing and just had fun, now its totally different. I just watch and remember.
I think the healing process takes you through different stages. Just like the grieving process.  At first its unreal and seems like a bad dream. you keep telling yourself its not real.  Then theres the outbursts of anger and hatred.  Sometimes I'll be fine then next thing im about to scream because something didnt go smoothly or how i'd liked it to go. Unfortunately theres no bargaining for me because theres nothing to bargain, I know it wont change.  I cant even blame anyone but myself. That doesn't help...
I think thats my life now, just a daze.. I just try to make it through the day.  I never thought my life would turn out like this, I just have to make arrangements for things to be easier.
Im home by myself for 2-3hrs everyday and thats my time to reflect on whats going on.  Im home everyday and usually use that time for facebook or e-bay.  I try to stay disconnected and ride t out....  Im in this funk and need to get out of it somehow, I think its the weather tho. Thats my thought.  Ive told myself I need to smile more, get out as often as I can and surround myself with positive people.
I think I've adjusted well, I could be worse..lol  Thanks for reading my thoughts, thats kinda scary..lol

Wheelchair Rules!

Wheelchair Rules!

1. Don't ever push people in wheelchairs. If they weren't able to push themselves, then they would have a motorized chair.

2. Look them in the eyes, not in the legs.

3. "Gimp" or "crip" are totally unacceptable for walking people to say.

4. But it is perfectly okay for a paralytic to call themselves and each other that.

5. Offending terms that should never be said to describe paralytics include: suffers from, victim, strickened, confined, struggling with, unfortunate, deformed, defective, poor, or lame.

6. When you are blocking their way in a restaurant, try to get out of the way calmly and not mutter "I'm sorry; I'm so sorry; I'm so very very sorry," as if you've just stepped on the neck of someone's kitten.

7. Don't shout in their ears. They're not deaf, they just can't walk.

8. If you must shout, please never shout, "How's the weather down there?"

9. Never say to a wheelchair user as he or she pulls into parking spots reserved for the handicapped, "Man, you're lucky! I had to park seven spots away and walk!" They won't feel sorry for you.

10. Don't ask how it happened. If they want you to know, they'll tell you.

11. Watch your toes at all times. Open-toed shoes are not recommended around wheelchairs.

12. Don't ever pat a person in a wheelchair on the head and say, "You are doing a super job of dealing with this!" You might end up getting your very own handicapped parking placard.

13. Don't ever say, "Slow down or I'll have to give you a speeding ticket!" I believe with everything else we've had to deal with, we can go as fast as we want to.

14. Don't ever say, "You need a beeper on that thing--you could hurt somebody!" It's like they're reminding you that you're in a wheelchair just in case you've forgotten.

15. Don't feel sorry for them. I don't believe they need any more sympathy than they've gotten already.

16. Electric wheelchairs may NOT pull manual chairs

Shawna's Psyche: WARNING

I'm not perfect, and I know that. But growing up and being a teenager was hard for me. I didn't know my biological dad. And me and my stepdad did not get along, we never did. My mom and I were not very close, because I always seemed to be in trouble and could never do anything right. I wasn't a bad kid but for some reason my parents always thought I was doing things I shouldn't. There's no doubt I did do some things that I shouldn't have but isn't that part of growing up. Isn't that how you learn. Isn't that how you develop your personality and who you become.
So the first time I drank alcohol I was 14. But I didn't get drunk and I didn't do it all the time. First time I had sex I was used, and I didn't have sex again for a long time. I never snuck out of the house. There were a couple times I told my parents I would be at my friend's house and I went to a party. There were a couple times I was supposed to go to one friends house and went to another's instead. After track meets I would go drive around with my boyfriend and come home a couple hours later. There were times I was late for my curfew and lied about it. There are couple times I drove my car when I wasn't supposed to. Despite all of this I was very spoiled, materialisticly. I got whatever I wanted except a little freedom.
I just wanted to be a teenager and have a little fun. Like I said I know I'm not perfect but for one I can't change it now. I can't go back in the past and fix what I did. I can't go back and change some of the decisions I've made. I can't go back and fix everything I did wrong. Believe me if anybody knows that it's me....

Because I am paying for the rest of my life for one wrong decision.

I know now that I drink too much, and was sometimes irresponsible in my actions.I should've never done some of the things that I did or for the reasons that I did. I know I've acted crazy and reckless and wild and disappointed my family and myself.
My boyfriend and I only argued because of my drinking. I had to drink every day. I had to drink on my way home from school. I had to drink on the way home from work. I would hide alcohol. I drink before work sometimes. I was late for work several times because I was drunk and didn't wake up. I drove after I drank. I drove Buzzed. I drove trashed. I drove sometimes and didn't remember it. Every time I drink alcohol I would blackout. Every time I would drink alcohol I would throw up. Troy saw this as problem. And I didn't......

I had off work on a Friday, so I cleaned house and then decided to go out. This is the day of my reckoning.  I wanted to do what I wanted no matter what it would cost me. After all this is why all my previous relationships had failed, Troy and I were on the verge. Because I wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted...  I'm not perfect and when I get mad I say things I don't mean. When I get mad I say things I shouldn't. And when I get mad I don't think of anybody but myself.

And I'm getting off track, but once again, my mom and dad were never really there for me. They're there for me financially, that definitely help me out. I could talk to my mom but it wasnt very often that we didn't get into an argument. Me and my sister Jess were really close when we were younger but drifted apart after I moved out at 17. My grandma and I were always really close and don't know what I would do without her. I love my mom with all my heart, and I wish we could get along, but there's been so much stuff in the past that I don't know if we can get past.

After my accident my mom and dad were there for me, they didn't leave the hospital, they stayed weeks and weeks in the hospital with me every night they never left my side. They were there for me when I was hallucinating on morphine and when I thought I was going to stop breathing and when I didn't know what was going on. They were there for me before I could talk, they understood what I was saying to them, nurses had to ask them because they didn't understand. They were awesome. I will not deny that, and the people that were there know that. After my accident, initially nobody was allowed to see me. My sisters werent allowed if they were going to be upset. I didn't want to see my grandma because I didn't want her to see me like that. My biological dad showed up and they asked me if I wanted to see him which I did. I realize the extent of my condition but I don't understand why my friends weren't allowed to see me and why Troy wasnt allowed back at the hospital. I know there is a lot going on during this time. I know I wasn't really coherent all the time. I know I was scared, and I know my family was there for me.
I also know that my friends wanted to be there for me but weren't allowed to. I also know that Troy wanted to be there for me but he wasn't allowed either. After several weeks people were slowly allowed to come see me, with the exception of Troy.. Finally, I asked to see him. They called him and he came up that weekend.. I was very confused at this time because I wanted to be with him despite what I said. I knew my parents didn't like him so I wanted them to think that I thought the same. I struggled because I wanted to be with him but I didn't want to be with him like this. I didn't feel it was fair to him to be with me like this. I've tried to give him an easy out. I didn't feel I had this a choice but to go anywhere but my parents. My parents have been there through all of it and that just seemefd like where I should go. So maybe I should have said what I fetl sooner instead of going along with everybody else. But nobody knows how it feels to be scared to death to wake up every morning. I needed my friends and I needed my family. Without them I don't know what I would've done. Through all of this me and my dad became closer, me and my friends became closer, and I knew who my true friends were. Me and my mom became closer and more like friends. Me and my sisters became closer. I loved it. I was happy. I just felt something missing, and it was Troy.
I know that now, I'm happy...

Im not the same person that I used to be. Some of you wouldnt even recognize me! You'd be proud...

I'm going to stop blabbing for now, I'm a little upset so I'm not sure if that makes sense but I hope you can figure it out.

I'm sorry to those who I hurt.

My Accident

November 11, 2006. It started off as a normal day, I had the day off from work so I slept in late and started cleaning house. Troy my boyfriend at the time had to work until six o'clock that night. My grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia. When I got done cleaning house I decided that I wanted to go out with my friends, it'd been a while and me and Troy had been fighting, so I got in the shower. While I was getting ready Troy called, he was on his way home from work. He asked what I was doing and I told them that I was getting ready. He asked me if I was going out that night and I said yes. He didn't argue with me or anything he just said okay.
By the time he got home I was fixing my hair, I looked all cute so my hair to match. Troy asked me what I was doing that night and I told hin I was going to stop by at the hospital and visit my grandma and then go meet my friends at the bar. He asked me if I could give him a ride to town and buy him cigarettes before I left. So I did then dropped him back off at home. So I'm on my way to the hospital, when I got there I talked to grandma and told her that me and Troy had been fighting. I stayed for about 30 minutes  I asked for some money for gas but thats not what it was spent on, and then was off to the bar.
I had to stop on the way and buy me a 40oz. Of course I couldn't go anywhere without alcohol. When I got to the bar, all my friends were there so I had some catching up to do.Next thing I know it's shot after shot after shot. I can't even tell you what the shots were of because I have no idea. I just drank it. The next thing I remember is dancing a little bit and then all of a sudden I'm in the ditch. I remember thinking that if I didn't get out of the ditch a cop would drive by and I would go to jail. Going to jail was the last thing I wanted. I was still on probation for my first DWI and if I got caught it was an automatic 30 days in jail. If that happened I would loose my job, and that couldn't happen.
The next thing I remember is being on a gravel road in some strange vehicle. They had pulled my car out of the ditch. So I got back in my car and they took off. I slightly remember trying to call my boyfriend, my best friend and then the bar, in no particular order.
Next, I wake up in a hospital and have no idea where I'm at. All I remember is seeing Troy, my boyfriend and my mom and dad. They were trying to do some kind of breathing treatment and I was scared shit-less, not even sure of what happened. I remember them telling me it was going to be okay I was in a car accident. Then I realized that I had no voice, so my screaming was useless. I thought that I was kicking my legs and flailing my arms, but come to find out they were'nt moving at all. There is obviously a lot that I don't remember and it's probably a good thing. As time went by I learned that I drank way too much and started dancing on the tables, was behind the bar pouring drinks and just going crazy but having fun. The next thing everybody knew I was gone.
Come to find out that when I got stuck in the ditch I walked to somebody's house and told them what happened.
I guess what happened was when I hit the ditch I messed up my steering on my car. When I took off again I ran off the road, flipped my car, took out 100 feet of fence, then hit a telephone pole. I guess when I hit the telephone pole I got whiplash so bad that it broke my neck. This was the first broken bone I've ever had in my life. First time I was ever in a hospital as a patient. And the first time I ever felt completely helpless.
My mom and dad stayed in hospital with me and it took me a couple months before I could talk. I was in ICU for two weeks, I went toxic and they had to do a blood transfusion, the doctor had to fuse my fourth through seventh vertebrae with screws and a metal cage. I felt like I had a torn up face but it was just swollen, and I had a neck brace on. I also had a trache in my throat to help me breathe. I was on a ventilator for a while and had a feeding tube. They had me on morphine and this made me hallucinate, I was so scared I thought everybody was tying me down. I thought that's why couldn't move. I couldn't talk I couldn't hit a call light, and I couldnt move my body. After ICU I went to acute care and was there for a couple more weeks. I was scared to death to sleep, I was afraid I would stop breathing and never wake up. Which is kind of ironic because at times I wished that I would not wake up. There were times when breathing became so hard I just wanted to take my last breath. I even saw my great grandma, who had been dead for a couple years, in my room smiling at me.
I then went to rehab and was there for two more months. They tried teaching me to feed myself. My left arm was stronger so I used that. At first I could not even get my hand to mouth. They worked on arm exercises, stretching my legs and working on balance for me to set up. Since I was paralyzed from the chest down I could not balance or set up on my own because I had no stomach muscles. It was a lot of hard work and I would never wish it upon anyone. There's so much more in the story then I can go into right now, I don't want to bore you.
Anyways I kept asking for Troy and my mom and dad told me that they had gotten into a fight with him and told him not to come back to the hospital. They said if I wanted to see him they would call him for me.  Finally one day they called him and he showed up and it was very awkward. I believed that he up and left me, because he didn't want to be with me like this. I still cant talk through all this time and my mom wouldn't leave the room so we didn't say much. He whispered in my ear that he loved me and he would be here for me. I was so confused I just didn't know what to believe.
Nobody was allowed to visit me at this point, I told the nurses that I wanted to have visitors and they started to let people come see me. My friends showed up and it was very awkward too. It is a feeling I cannot explain when your bestfriend is feeding you b/c you cant. So February 2 of 2007 I was released. A couple of my friends came with my mom to pick me up. I moved in with my mom and dad, mainly because I felt like I didn't have a choice.
Check out my next blog for what happened when I got home from the Hospital.

My Fave Grandma

My gma was my best friend. She always let me know exactly what she thought. She’d be so frustrated at me sometimes for the ridiculous shenanigans I managed to get into. She didn’t approve of everything I did and my random spontaneous personality drove her crazy.

She always smiled when she saw me and always needed ”Shawna Hugs”. I never left without telling her I loved her. We will always have our magical bond and unconditional love.

Now I’m lost. Now I cant call gma just because I need to vent. I cant text her my random messages. I was so proud when she learned to text, and she liked it too, lol…

Gma always had my back. We were buddies. We could always gossip amongst ourselves. Well, gma did kinda have a big mouth, but hey, that’s just gma for you. Gma was the glue that “tried” to hold the family together. She just wanted everyone to get along. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

Papa and gma were such an awesome couple. Almost 50 yrs. Together, I couldn’t imagine. They always cracked me up. Papa is always chilled and relaxed. Gma was driven crazy by this at times. Even when they’d argue it was a blast and ended with a laugh.

Gma dismissed the entire surgery to be no big deal. So naturally, I believed her. I figured she’d be in and out. I was so confident in her. I needed to show her that it would be ok. I completely understand how she felt to have a tube down her throat, feeding tube down her nose, trache in her throat and ventilator helping her breathe. I know how scary it is. I know how frustrating it is when nobody understands what your trying to communicate. I know how scary it is when they have to suction out your lungs. I know how scary it is and just don’t want to be alone.

I hated seeing her in pain, terror and heartache. She fought and fought until finally she just couldn’t take any more. She decided to be taken off all the machines and just go home. Well, she never made it home because the high risk of transportation. When she passed it was just her and papa in the room. That’s probably how she would’ve wanted it.

She will always watch over me but I will never get over my own selfishness because I want her back, I will always want her back…
I’m not sure where she’s at but she’s definitely with her mom and dad, who she loved dearly. She will always have a chunk of my heart…
I don’t know what to do. I need her.

R.I.P. LaVerleRoot
April 26th,2009

My poor gma...

So I just need to get this off my chest.... I cant even go into anymore detail b/c it hurts so bad. My poor gma is going thro so much. She's probably so scared...
This is whats going on...

Gma needed a valve replaced n her heart. Febuary, Friday the 13th she went in for surgery. They had to crack open her chest. There were some complications but she came out alright. They explained to us what they had to do and already I was freakin out. I cant even tell u all they did to her. That was the hardest thing Ive evr been thro. I freaked out, couldnt breath and luckily I was already sitting down.
It was rough, then her heart was irregular so they put a pacemaker in. She was n ICU for abt 2 1/2 weeks. I would like to be able to talk more about it, but it's too hard on my heart. Then she went to a rehab center n Spfd. We went to see her and the place was shit. I was not happy abt it. They werent doing what they shld hav. But I got to hang out w/her and I put my chair by hers and leaned my head on her shoulder and she held my hand. I got a pic w/ her! She told me she wanted to see Dobby, so the next weekend we were going to bring Dobby w/ us...
Well, the next day I got a ph call that she had stopped breathing and her heart stopped. They had to do CPR and rushed her back to ICU. They had to open her back up b/c when they did CPR it messed w/ her chest. They put her back on a ventilator and put a feeding tube n. Her kidneys are no longer functioning, so a few dys later they put her on temp dialysis. They've left her chest open and they are packing it.
Now they have her on perm dialysis and put a trache n b/c shes now totally dependant on the vent.
Shes been sleeping thro all of this, she woke up enough to see papa. I guess theres been a lot of drama. Her sister wants the dr.s to wake her up. They have her sedated bc she gets anxious and tries to pull the tube out. Me and her talked abt it and she sd she didnt like waking up w/ the tube. She sd it scared her and she knows what I went thro.
So they r leaving decisions to papa, but he catches shit when its not what somebody else wants. Why wld u wake her up to let her kno shes gonna die! I kno she'll b scared an beside she cant talk anyway. Ive been so torn up abt it all. I love my gma so much, I cant evn describe. She's always been there for me. I havent made it to the hosp. this b/c Troy was sick, then I got sick and now it's so bad I dnt know if I can handle seeing her. My sisters havent been back there either. My mom said she looks terrible. I think it better off to let her be in painless sleep bc she would b so upset that she couldnt talk and wld be so scared. My mom told me that with all the machines shes on and the way her bed is that I probably wouldnt even be able to see her. I think seeing any of us girls would stress her out more...
So on top of all that, we are moving n two weeks, I have to pack. Not to mention I need to switch elec. water, phone/internet, dish and change caseworker, change counties, plus I have to find an attendant and I def feel overwhelmed.
So now that Im blabbing on and on, I'll let you go.

Yours Truly
ShAwNa

I adore my Grandma....
You have no idea.....

Mom and Gma

This is the last time I saw my gma!
I love her more than anyone kno's...

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